Tuesday, December 04, 2007

A "found" memo from State Sen. Roger "let 'em smoke" Breske

To: Wisconsin Deptartment of Commerce Secretary Jack Fischer

From : Sen. Roger Breske

Re: My proposed "Sin-Filled Wisconsin" initiative

I hope that you read the recent great Milwaukee Journal Sentinel article, which despite the unfortunate headline, "The ashtray of the Midwest?" properly extols the economic development benefits of allowing smoking in taverns since our silly border states have unpatriotically -- and uneconomically -- banned the personal freedom of smokers in taverns. The article explains how in the border town of Hudson, Wisconsin, tavern "business has been boosted by the ban as smokers stream across [the Minnesota border] armed with their Marlboros, Pall Malls and Camels."

As everyone knows, this great country would not be what it is today without tobacco. Thanks to lucrative tobacco farming, the South was once the economic engine of America when real engines hadn't even been invented yet. Trace that history to today, when handfuls of Hudson, Wisconsin, taverns seem to sell more alchohol to patrons driving in from Minnesota because they can also smoke while they get boozed up for the ride home.\

Yes, there are naysayers. Take the liberal New York Times, which posted on its front page on the same day (a coincidence?) as the Journal Sentinel story, an article titled, "From Smoking Boom, A Major Killer of Women." Or cities, states and countries -- Madison, New York City, Minnesota, Illinois, Colorado, California, Ireland. Do we really believe these places are as American as Hudson and the rest of Wisconsin? And those studies that say tavern business increases when smoking is banned? Who in their right mind would believe a study with a conclusion like that?

As the new Commerce Secretary, you should come out smokin' and reap economic big benefits from our state due to our proud status as an outlier, or "ashtray" if you will, and consider related ways to attract commerce to Hudson and any other Wisconsin city.
Just a few ideas for what would be the "Sin-Filled Wisconsin Initiative," which would be a boon to the border economies and send a message to companies and employees across the world that Wisconsin is open for business:

* Homicide-Rights Zones. Allow domestic and contract hits to take place unimpeded by police action. Why should government be deciding who should live or die? (Same point we're making on smoking.) Sales of guns and rentals at sleezy motels will skyrocket.

* Sex Sales in Smoky Saloons. Minnesota does not allow prostitution anywhere or smoking in saloons. Why don't we allow both in saloons? Think of the gigantic surge in emloyment! Sex sells, and it employs. Las Vegas is one of the fastest growing areas of the U.S. for a reason.

* Spitoon City. I miss the good old days, when a man was free to discharge his annoying phlegm into a nearby, publicly located spitoon. Isn't that what freedom's all about? Does Minnesota have any spitoons still? I think not. These should be paid for by the state and installed across Wisconsin. I'm sure the cigarette companies would be glad to sponsor them if we leave room for ads.

Let's create this Sin-Filled Wisconsin Initiative before our neighboring states reconsider their liberal actions. Let's show our neighbors and the world that Wisconsin doesn't appreciate nosy civil libertarians, scientists, doctors, sick people and healthy people trying to take away our constitutional freedom to smoke in public places. We're better than that. We're Wisconsin.

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